Hello Everyone! I hope everyone is doing very well. And again let’s just dive in.I have had a few interesting days and with them came interesting thoughts. So I wanted to speak about it today. So I wake up everyday with a very different thought process. Somedays I am excited, ready for the day. Some are days where I am extremely energetic and want to do everything at once and end up doing none of it because I just can’t make up my mind. Some days I don’t want to leave my bed. Some days I can’t breathe and it feels like the world is collapsing around me and someone has tied me up so I can’t do anything about it. I can’t even get away. If you can’t already tell, I have depression. I also have anxiety. But you could never tell if you ever met me. I am usually the funniest person in a room. I have the ability to cry for hours straight then show up to a gathering of people and laugh and smile like someone stuck a hanger in my mouth all night. And all that is possible because I have been conditioned from a very young age not to talk about it. Especially where I come from, People don’t talk about depression or anxiety because it doesn’t seem real to them. And more importantly it makes them uncomfortable. It sounds like an excuse. Like a made up disease I am claiming to have. And as someone who suffers from anxiety, let me tell you every time I have been questioned in a not so friendly manner about it, I have felt like the most insignificant person on the face of the earth. Like my feelings were not worth the acknowledgement that is usually extended to a person.

We always have people around us and because of that the world expects us to act a certain way, behave a certain way. No matter how bad of a day I am having, if I don’t smile back at my colleague, I am considered rude. If I don’t wear makeup or my eyes look red, I will be whispered about or spoken to in a very pitiful manner. No one will actually give me any advice but ask Me to “cheer up” every so often. Or hey smile more, you’ll feel better. No one wants to understand it but at the same time no one wants to deal with it either. I have been given some ridiculous pieces of advice regarding my depression. And what’s worse is that they have almost always come from people I love or claim to love me. I’m not a stupid person. I know my depression and anxiety makes me quite a lot to deal with at times. I am overly emotional, Especially when it comes to the people I love. Being hurt by them makes me feel lost and small and unworthy. But at the same I wish the effort is made to understand what depression is. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. I have seen People all my life deny it. No matter how obvious it is. And to be completely honest depression isn’t an everyday occurrence. It doesn’t happen everyday all day 24/7, contrary to popular belief. But when it does rear it’s ugly head, it brings with it an ocean of doubts, unrelenting pain, and emotions we can’t control or understand.

I mean I have received all kinds of brilliant advice. From all the people who have no idea what depression is or are clearly in some form of denial. I have been told why don’t you wake up early in the morning? exercise? start your day off right and you’ll see a huge difference in your mood everyday? I mean did you know exercise releases endorphins? why yes, I did know that. But do you understand some days I wish I was dead? instead I smile and say yes, absolutely I am going to try that. I was told why don’t you try praying. That’s where all your answers lie, and yes while I am an extremely religious person and my faith is my rock and the foundation of my life. Most of the times it isn’t enough. I need you to understand me. I need your time. I need some unconditional understanding. I don’t want to feel judged for what I say.

Life is a very complicated ordeal and sometimes we go through it alone. Sometimes you might have someone and still feel alone. Sometimes life just finds a way to keep on going. And you just have to go along with it. When it hits you really bad and you are just having one of those days, take a breath, look at something that gives you happiness. Your child, a pet, a spouse, maybe a book or a tv show. Those new shoes you just got or a new bedspread. Whatever it is, it’ll get better. Because life will always move us in a new direction. And if you see someone you care about suffering from it, take out some time and listen to them. Let them know you are trying to understand and it will make the biggest difference. And while I am certainly not a professional, I speak from experience. And love. Lots of it. Till next time…

Cheers, Shameless and unapologetic.